journal entries

09.07.2023

i can feel a newness coming. like a seed bursting out of its shell, i feel roots taking hold and vines sprouting forth. although i can’t see it, i feel myself changing, almost as if i can feel it in my fingertips.

in the past, when i’d fallen in love with where i was at, i would dread this sort of change, fearing that the next season would not live up to what the current one had brought me. but, as i’ve grown older, i find that i’m not dreading it as i have before. i am beginning to feel people that i’d been walking this journey side-by-side with slowly breaking off into a new path, one that isn’t mine to walk anymore. oddly, i do not feel the need to mourn as i have done in the past when i felt this way, for i know that while we may not necessarily walk the same roads, we may walk parallel to one another.

i’m also sensing that the coming challenges in the near future will increase in difficulty, however, while thinking about them does make me nervous, there is a spark of excitement within me.

in short, i’m getting better at change. and now that i am on the brink of the cliff, i find that i no longer fear the abyss. i welcome the fall.

this is growing up, i think.

08.05.2023

i don't think i'm ready to face a certain person next month. i thought i was ready for anything. i am wavering.

in other news, i have been taking a bit of a break from regular social media, as i haven't been in the mood to be perceived lately. i usually feel the need to apologize to my friends for falling off of the face of the earth, but truth be told, i think time away from the regular program of the internet is a necessity for me. it's not a complete ban, as there are some apps i've chosen to leave available for work, but one day, i actually hope to rid myself of them all for a time.

one of the youtubers i regularly watch made a video about doing a 'dopamine detox,' which is essentially taking a break from certain things that give you instant gratification, most of which have to do with our daily routines on our phones. i think this is something i want to be able to do more frequently in the future, as i've noticed that my attention span has shortned terribly and that i have some other habits formed around my phone that need to change.

this slower pace that i want to develop is partly why i also started my neocities--here, barely anything is expected from me. it's a hideaway of sorts, and if i want to share bits and pieces of my life, i actually have to take a moment to think about what i want to put out and say, unlike on twitter where i frequently end up livetweeting every inconvenience that strikes. also, as we all know, that Man has truly been making that app a trash hole, so i really am encouraged to just continue updating my neocities. practicing coding knowledge and getting to personalize my online experience while being perceived less? good ass stuff.

besides, i really am having fun doing the coding side of this whole thing as well, even if sometimes it means staring at your screen for four hours trying to figure out what went wrong with your divs. that's also one of the reasons i'm taking my time building the site--one moment, i'll be writing a short entry, and before you know it, half a day's passed and my eyes are begging for me to stop. nobody told me webmastering would have this much of a grip on me! nobody! too many times have i refused rest until my errors were fixed.

i'm scheduled to return to regular business soon, but i have been enjoying this little break away from the world very much. if i can stretch not having certain apps on my phone for longer, that would honestly do my brain some good.

i hope to fix the aquarium portion of my site as soon as i can, as well as populate the writing page with some works. there's a lot to come, but i am taking it a day at a time.

08.03.2023

i have come to a sinking realization that i am not sure i know how to be normal about anything.

08.02.2023

my heart bleeds for my mother, who has lost both of her siblings in the span of around three months. due to the rains, my classes kept getting cancelled, but in spite of my disappointment (i quite like my classes this term), i suppose it's good that there's been no need for me to go. instead, i've spent the last three days with my mom, who has been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

08.01.2023

the rain has finally let up today.

i don't expect the sun to be out for long, but after a stormy week, there's comfort in seeing the rays of the sun peak out from the horizon of skyscrapers, the wash of yellow a breath of fresh air from all the grey. i'm happy that my laundry dried despite all of it, and though my cab driver says this storm's to last three more days, i'm hopeful that somehow, this will come to pass sooner than that.

i'm developed a habit of visiting the library in the morning while the rain isn't so bad, which has truly served me well because around an hour after i leave my home, it usually begins to pour. by this time, i am all cozied up at a table, reading a leather-bound book while waiting for class to begin. this is a habit i know i cannot keep forever because by next term things are gonna get hectic, but while i can, i want to keep doing this, even if it means waking up earlier than i need to.

seeing the shelves of old books, i thought about reading something deep like de beauvoir or nietzsche, but after browsing some of the sections, i found myself pulling out 'heidi,' which is pretty far from feminist essays and philosophy, being a children's classic. i thought i'd bore fast, as i've been in somewhat of a reading slump lately, but to my surprise, i found the book quite charming. i don't know exactly if it's the endearingness of holding an old, leather book while the rain drums outside or if it's just because i'm in a library, but whatever it is, i have been enjoying myself thoroughly. i thought about borrowing the book, but i realized that it would be better to leave it, for now i have something to look forward to. a reason asides from the rain, to wake up and visit the library.